On a recent episode of the Rangan Chatterjee podcast, Feel Better, Live More, the host and his guest each asked one another a question.
The first question had the host breaking down in tears within moments as he gave his response.
The question came from a list of 36, curated by psychologist Arthur Aron, specifically designed to accelerate the feeling of connection between two people - popularized as the ‘36 questions the lead to love’ in a 2015 NY Times article.
Aron’s questions come in three sets of 12. They are designed to be asked in turn, with each set becoming increasingly intimate and personal.
When was the last time a question someone asked you had you instantaneously weeping?
Possibly never…
Why don’t we replace smalltalk with BIG talk, so we can make our interactions and lives richer and more fulfilling?
As we move through life, the people we feel close to change. We lose friends, gain new ones, and collect countless acquaintances along the way.
Yet much of our interaction with those people stays surface level.
Think about the dreaded small talk at gatherings as we attempt to ‘get to know each other’.
We know the mild panic that sets in once you’ve exhausted the stock questions in your question bank and still have an hour left to kill with someone you don’t know particularly well, particularly if they are a ‘non-asker’.
The irony is that we can spend a lot of time with people without ever really knowing them.
We are conditioned to be polite. Not nosey. Ask about the kids and the holidays. Don’t be the weird person asking ‘inappropriate’ questions. But who decides whats appropriate and whats not?!
Take a look at the 36 questions below - most of them are probably considered ‘inappropriate’ for a conversation in most scenarios. But I wonder what might happen if we were more comfortable asking these types of questions in our everyday interactions?
My wife and I tried asking each other one question from each of ‘set’ and it had us going deeper than we have for a long time.
The quality of our relationships is a huge contributor to our health and long term happiness - so next time you’re at a dinner party - why not give the questions below a chance instead of the old faithfuls…see what happens!
SET I
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
SET II
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
SET III
Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...“
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any ne item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
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